I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
