She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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