Banned from zoo.
Again?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
