life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
