trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
