What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
