Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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