Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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