i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
