Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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