Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
