When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You pole danced in your parka.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
