my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
