What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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