I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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