I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
