I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
