he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
