I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
