after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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