I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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