Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
