i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
