forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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