It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You're like the curious george of whores
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
