glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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