I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
