So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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