Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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