I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
