I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
