remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
