Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
