i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
