I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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