Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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