Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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