By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
