my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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