Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Life is so much better after having sex.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
