I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
