The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
