I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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