He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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