My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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