I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
