i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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