i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
