I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
look no pants
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
