I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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