i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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